Fall 2009 Parenting Group!

Dear Parents,

I will be offering a 10-week parenting group for parents of elementary-age children (ages 3-12) with challenging behavior. The group will begin on Thursday, September 17th and run weekly from 10:00 am until 12:00 pm in the Lifespan classroom. The purpose of the group will be to help parents learn specific skills in order to better parent their child in need. The format of the group will entail a review of assigned readings, specific teachings by me, and informal presentation of specific issues by you. We will be using Dr. Alan Kazdin's book, The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child: No Pills, No Therapy, No Contest of Wills, as a guide. We will also be using my book, Understanding Your Child's Puzzling Behavior, to develop strength-based interventions. The group is perfect for parents of elementary-age children (ages 3-12) who are demonstrating non-compliant, disruptive, angry, explosive, or generally frustrating behavior.

I am very excited about running this group since working with parents in a collaborative manner is often much more effective than working with parents and children alone. If you are interested, please email me at: scurtis@lifespanps.com. For more information about the group, please view the attached Parenting Group Announcement.

For those of you who are out of town, if you are interested in a webinar, I would be happy to develop one. Please email me if you are interested.

Is Over-Scheduling Good for Kids?

We are all products of the era in which many of us try to cram in as much as possible in a short amount of time. Lost are the days in which idle chit chat, sitting on porches, and staring at the stars is seen as a vital part of living. Instead, we ensure that every moment of time is spent in some type of productive activity. But, is this good for us? Is it good for our children?

My answer to this is that it depends on whom you and your children are. For me, I need down time. I need time to reflect and talk about things that are not all that important. I need to waste time here and there and wander around aimlessly with no sense of purpose. I need to sleep in from time to time and do nothing the entire day. The reason is that my job as a psychologist can be stressful and I need time to “just veg.” But, this is me and you are you. My children and wife need much the same down time as me and we can tell when we all need to stop and watch cartoons. But, people are all different. Some people need a rigid schedule with lots of stuff to do. If they do not have this, they do not know what to do with themselves. Others need fewer activities and more down time.

In my experience, there are children who do best with a schedule full of activities. These kids thrive on stuff to do and need little down time in which to reflect. These kids crave being in group settings and thrive on constant stimulation. When they do have some down time, they frequently get themselves in trouble because they are not sure how to “just be.” I do not have any judgment regarding whether these children are normal or not. They just are. Structure and stimulation is what they need. I suppose one could say they need to learn how to entertain themselves. But, I prefer to say that is the way they are and to give them what they need, a full plate of activities.

Other children prefer to be on their own with fewer activities. These children need lots of time alone and prefer not to have lots of scheduled activities. They often have to be pushed to do things. These children need some type of structure but not as much as the children described above. With no structure at all, they may be prone to developing a sedentary lifestyle that could become unhealthy. The goal here is to help these children engage in healthy activities and to give them the down time they deserve when it is needed.

With all this discussion, I am reminded of a book that was very influential in my early career. The book is titled, The Hurried Child by David Elkind. This books talks about how children are pushed to grow up too fast. This can create stress and premature completion of crucial developmental stages. When we push and make kids do things they are not yet ready to do, we can create intense anxiety with resulting poor self-esteem. We have to help children go through each stage at their own pace.

My message in response to all of this is to play close attention to your child’s needs. Try and filter out the influence of the culture surrounding you (e.g., having to schedule sleepovers because everyone else is, having to look more mature because all the girls are, having to buy expensive computer games because all the boys have them). Make decisions for your child’s day depending on their unique needs. Keep them moving and learning, but in a moderate way. Ensure they do not stall and do nothing. But, also ensure they do not run around like caffeinated bunny rabbits ready to bite anyone who crosses them. Close monitoring of their current state of being will ensure they grow up with a smile. Thus, in response to over-scheduling being good for kids, it really depends.

Helping Children to Attend

Tamim Ansary has written a very interesting article for MSN Encarta titled, Concentration Is the Key. In this article, he notes that while people pride themselves with the ability to multitask, he instead desires to master the skill of "mono-tasking." He adds that many elements of modern life have actually eroded our ability to concentrate and that big industry has developed surrounding the disability of ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder). He does not doubt that some children do have this disorder. But, it seems that in today's world the skill of concentration is not being successfully taught. While it may be great to teach children how to multitask, it is even more important to teach children how to focus and concentrate for extended periods of time. The ability to attend to a task for a long period of time is the foundation for most successful endeavors.

The good thing about concentration is that it can be taught. Yes, some people may have a natural ability to attend more than others. But, we can all learn how to better concentrate, even our children. Mr Ansary recommends that children be taught how to concentrate beginning at an early age and I agree. What I see many parents and teachers do with today's children is to cram a large amount of activities into a small amount of time. Children are constantly transitioning and moving on to the next task before the previous task was completed. We all seem to be running around like crazy people, including myself. This is not to say that "crazy" is bad, it is just that we seem to be wearing ourselves out unnecessarily. And, our kids are not being taught how to just sit and focus on one task at a time. In fact, when a child is focusing well, I have noted that some may say that he or she is "hyperfocussing" and being abnormal in some way.

I recommend that parents of children with attention difficulties carefully read Mr. Ansary's article and try some of the recommended strategies for attention improvement. It would be very beneficial to take some regular time with your child to work on attending or sticking with a task for an extended period of time. If your child has difficulty sitting and attending, take it slowly. Take a small amount of time at first (e.g., 5 minutes) and focus on the task. If the child has difficulty provide encouragement. Help the child learn to take all other thoughts out of his or her mind. There are no magical interventions to recommend. Learning to attend primarily takes practice just like with any other skill. After a successful period of time, give a high five or some other type of natural reinforcement. With time, I guarantee you will see positive results.

Improving the Parent-Child Relationship: Four Points to Consider

Believe it or not, there has been a debate for years regarding whether a good parent-child relationship matters in the later success of children. But, we all know that this debate is silly since it is a no brainer that a quality relationship between you and your loved one is essential. You will not be a very good parent without it. I suppose you can be a cold disciplinarian and run your household like the military. You may get compliance in your household, but you will also get children who are angry and sneaky. Children thrive when they have good relationships with their parents. With good relationships children are much happier and more successful in friendships and school. When you have a good relationship with your own child, you will have an easier time dealing with problems when they arise. People have always told me that a good relationship is like putting money into a savings account. When you have to set a limit, it is like withdrawing money. If you have no money in the savings account, you will not get any compliance.

So, how does one develop a quality relationship with one’s child? Four points to consider are outlined below:

• First, hang out with your child and just be. Don’t criticize and don’t control, just be. “Hanging” with children can be just as beneficial as anything else.


• Second, respect your child for whom he or she is. Try not to be disappointed because your child is not something you want them to be. We all have our traits, gifts, quirks, and issues. Your child will too. You may feel when a child is born that he or she is perfect with no flaws. This is a nice feeling, but you will soon realize that no one is perfect.


• Third, work hard to help your child understand and respect you. Your child looks to you for care, protection, and guidance. He/she needs you to be there in times of need. You are the anchor and without you, your child will wander in spirit and life. In order to be understood and be respected, tell things about yourself. Tell stories about your own childhood, experiences, likes, and dislikes. Spend time with him/her and really talk. Along with this, do your best to be a healthy role model. Be consistent with what you say and follow through on your word. Be positive in your attitude and demonstrate hope in your actions.


• Fourth, believe in your child and tell him/her that all will be okay. Having someone really accept you and believe in you is a powerful motivator and crucial to a positive self-esteem. If you have spent the time with your child, you will learn many things. If you have accepted your child for whom he/she is, then you will be that much closer to be able to believe and trust that he/she will be okay in life. Be a mentor and be as positive as you can in your child’s life’s passions and ambitions

By the way, I asked my two children what makes a good parent and they stated, “Ones that love us. Ones that are friendly and nice. Ones that hug you, kisses you, and is willing to snuggle with you.” If this does not point to a need for a close relationship, I don’t know what does.

The Positive Use of Time Out

The term “time out” is a behavior management procedure that is often considered a punishment for misbehavior. Time out is frequently utilized by parents trying to address a behavioral challenge of their child. When misbehavior is noted, the parent sends the child to a designated place for a specific length of time. The child is then let out after appropriate behavior is achieved or after a predetermined amount of time has lapsed. Some parenting experts do not recommend the use of time out while others recommend its frequent use. Most parents at one time or another are forced to use time out in order to try and develop a peaceful household.

What I have seen over the course of my career is that parents do not use time out in an appropriate or effective way. What frequently happens is a parent-child battle and much drama occurs during the transition from direction to go to time out and the act of the child going to time out. Both the child and the parent frequently end up arguing and much heightened negative emotion occurs. This is not how time out should be used. This use of time out in this manner frequently creates more anger and animosity. Positive results are sometimes obtained, but many times the child keeps misbehaving. There must be a better way and there is.

The better way is to conceptualize time out as a “break in the action” similar to time out used by coaches in a basketball game. This is in direct contrast of viewing time out as a punishment. When a coach needs to give players feedback the coach calls a “time out” to talk with the group of players. Positive and negative feedback is given based upon what is being observed in the players’ game. If a coach only gave negative feedback during the time-outs, players would stop wanting to huddle up. A good coach gives both negative and positive feedback in order to help players learn from their mistakes, to help them recognize when they are doing things right, and to help maintain their inspiration to do well. The “break in the action” approach is very effective in spots and is also very effective intervention at home.

In your household, I recommend that you try this positive use of time out to help your child step back from the situation and reflect upon what he or she is doing. The steps to the appropriate use of this time out are as follows:

Sit down together (child and parent) and concisely describe what is expected in the household. Make sure questions are addressed. When children are young, expectations can be entirely set by the parent. As children mature, household expectations should be set in a more collaborative fashion.

Point out that when things go well, you will do your best to point that out and encourage more of the same. When things to not go well, you will have to intervene. With both the positive and negative, explain that you will be using a method of positive time out.

Explain the concept of positive time out. Positive time out is when a child is asked to take a break in the action in order to get feedback and reflect on behavior. This is where lots of learning will take place.

Explain what procedures will take place. Essentially, when you say to go to time out, the child must stop what he or she is doing and go to the designated space. If the child does not go to time out as requested, you will begin counting, “1, 2, 3.” On the 3, the child will be escorted to the designated space. If necessary, the child will be carried to the place in a safe and respectful fashion. If the child does not stay, you will hold him or her until they are willing to comply.

Begin training the procedures to time out by sending your child to time out for positive things. Do this multiple times in a row over several days. When the child complies, really lay on the positive reinforcement. Whenever you see something good happening, send the child to time out briefly and just lay on the praise for a job well done. You can also just pull the child aside as an alternative in order to give immediate positive feedback.

When your child has the drill down, begin a few directions to time out for things that your child could improve upon. Since you have already gained compliance, your child will probably go without much fuss. After the child is in time out, give feedback and discuss what he or she could have done differently. Brainstorm alternative behaviors as needed. After a short period of time, have the child leave time out to practice what you have just discussed to do.

Early in my career in the 1980s, I learned to use this positive use of time out while working with out-of-control teenagers at Capistrano By The Sea Hospital in Dana Point, CA. Our time out was called “the bench.” When directed to the bench, the residents were taught to stop what they were doing, walk silently to the bench, and sit down. Staff then came over to them in order to give them feedback on their behavior. We learned that it was very effective to send the youth to the bench for both positive and negative behaviors. In fact, we tried to send youth to the bench or many more positive behaviors than negative. When a resident was doing something well, we would tell them to go the bench. We would then compliment them on their behavior and send them on their way. When we needed to give them more negative feedback, they were much more receptive to our instructions since we created such a positive environment. With this use of frequent positive feedback, we greatly increased compliance to instructions and appropriate behavior overall. We were able to effectively work with residents that previously had not responded to any teacher or parent intervention to date.

When you are implementing this process, make sure that you send your child to time out for many more positive behaviors than negative. This will greatly enhance your child’s willingness to be positive. Of course, sometimes you do have to take control and send your child to time out for negative behavior. You are doing this because your child needs to learn proper behavior. When you do have to send the child to time out for misbehavior, do not get caught up in the drama of it all. What is meant by this is, if your child begins to argue, stick to your procedures. Verbal battles will not help. Calmly restate your expectations and begin your counting. If you have to carry your child to time out, minimize any talking and remain calm. If you have to scream, go behind closed doors and scream to yourself. Be aware that changing behavior takes time. Be very gentle with any holding you may have to do. If your child is too big to carry, you may need to withdraw any of your attention until your child is willing to comply. Always, treat your child with dignity.

When you follow this process as directed, your household will become much more positive. I have seen these procedures work time and time again in inpatient, outpatient, school, and home settings. In my own home, the procedures have worked amazingly well. As I have found, you will also find that you will not have to do hardly any time outs for negative behavior as time passes. I rarely have to use time out for any misbehavior in my own household. I still try to constantly tell my own children that I am proud of them, that I like what they are doing, and that I love them.

Some people may say that all this praise and positive attention will hurt the child’s intrinsic motivation to do well. I personally think that way of thinking is nonsense. We all like to be recognized for what we do and children are no different. Most children want to please those around them. Giving you children genuine praise and positive feedback for what they do will not damage their intrinsic motivation. Instead, they will become more motivated. I encourage you to do your best to recognize positive efforts no matter how small they may be. By taking this positive, but firm, approach to parenting, you will find that your children will respond in a very satisfying way.